How to Control Your Man - part 1

Some men look more like crabs than crabs do and can get admitted into a club for crabs, no questions asked, but I don't mean that. Remember the joke that starts with an irate man asking the waiter, "Do you serve crabs here?" and he answers, "We serve anybody, sit down please!” I don't mean crabby men like that, either.

I mean men are like crabs with a rough, tough exterior and a vulnerable interior. Our game is called 'How to crack open that shell?' But before we begin, one info about that shell: They are not born that way. Their parents did that to them.

Tony's Dad always told him 'Tough little men do not cry' and 'Be a man and keep a stiff upper lip!' and other rot like that. He grew up into a tough young man and married Cleo, a delicate young thing.

One Sunday morning in their martial, oops, marital, life:

Cleo looks out of the kitchen window at the unkempt lawn. That and the sight of weeds threatening to take over the house like an alien invasion, gets on her nerves. For her, tidiness of the work-environment is directly proportional to efficiency and peace. She goes to look for Tony.

Tony-boy has sunk into his favorite couch, favorite beer in hand, watching his favorite team beating the dickens out of the team he loves to hate. What Cleo had liked about Tony when she had first met him was his strength and solidity. Now he is as strong and solid as an immovable object. The spark of irritation started off by the sight of the lawn, grows to volumes of lava in her stomach and she blows her top. In one well-coordinated movement she switches of the TV, strikes the beer off his hand and thus wipes the smile off his lips. The smile turns upside down.

'What the @#$%!'

'The @#$% lawn needs mowing, the @#$% house needs painting, there's so much to @#$% and you sit there like a @#$% slob!'

Throwing a @#$% curtain over the ensuing battle, we go to Mary's house, next door:

Wonders! Mary is struggling with her mower, trying to give her lawn a much-needed haircut. Where is Bill? Bill is super-glued to the idiot box, nursing a beer, watching his favorite team being beaten. He gulps a consoling mouthful and turns to see wifey through the window, wrestling with the mower.

'Bill! How does one work this thing?' she asks, wiping one sweaty hand on her jeans. 'It seems so easy when you do it, but…'

The man of the house comes rushing over like a knight of yore. Do you feminists really think that Mary can't handle a @#$% mower?

Men are trained to be tough by their parents. While little girls are trained to look soft outside and be tough inside. But that's my next book. We are talking about boys here. So your first lesson is

Men are not as tough as they look.

They have soft insides.

It's not their fault.

Next let's see how you can use this knowledge to your advantage.

Go to Part 2

Foreword

Part 2 Boys are birds.

Part 3 Cut the Gordian knot of logic

Part 4 Use water, not fire.

Part 5 Be a Woman of Letters

Part 6 Be a sexy feminist.

Part 7 He should be Your Unwitting Puppet

Part 8 The Ultimate Secret